Recently, there are times when i tend to move my mind to be outside of me, watching myself as a 3rd  party.

I was talking to a friend about cultivation in general. She has lots of chances with buddhism but she don’t cultivate because she is very busy. There were times when i told her that she should slow down her pace and try to start cultivating since there were many chances with buddhism. Sometimes, i get a little agitated because she always comment that buddha has help her many times and she believed in the buddha but she don’t wish cultivate yet because she is very busy. I think before why she is so stubborn.

But why did i get so agitated. Is it because i wanted to help her but she is so stubborn? maybe… but i too realised maybe because i am too eager to help her maybe because i think i was clever. That’s where i think i am very wrong. There were many chances but there wasn’t a affinity maybe because it’s not her time yet. And sometimes helping someone is not immediate, could be days, months or years. Sometimes, it will never happen at all. By being nearby is the best help already. So there isn’t really a need for me to be agitated or be angry over someone else.

During my practice, i try to talk to myself. Understanding myself better by facing myself. i think it’s really hard to be honest with myself. The amount of emotions, sweat, tears and regret that has piled up over the years inside. By being totally honest with oneself is acknowledging one’s flaw, problems and ugliness.

There was one time while doing SOP, i was trying to do it better than before. I went through all the motions and etc when i suddenly felt very empty and lost. Why? because i think i am a good actor. I redo my SOP. this time slowly and with sincerity. Each word that comes out of my mouth and each visualisation i make, it’s from my bottom of my heart.

At a recent healing, i saw a child in pain. I heal with my white light…… hoping my light could bring you some comfort and warm to ease your pain. I give you a golden protection boundary so you can shine so bright that no bad energy could come near you. i give you my energy so you can have the courage to fight back. and as i was healing, i saw a glimpse of myself as a child in the light so i wanted to give it my all.

I feel really different from before. i think i am more aware of my ling and he is guiding me along the way. i dunno who tag who but i am really glad he’s there.

PS – please don’t ask me why my ling is a he. Just a feeling.